We’ve officially reached that annoying time of year where it’s sweater weather in the morning, but by midday you die from a heatstroke.
This is how you lose her.
You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely.
You must remember when she forgets.
You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention.
She remembers when you forget.
You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.
You must learn her.
You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to.
You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.
And, this is how you keep her"
Why is this happening to us? Why are you doing this to both of us?
I am terrified you’ll never sing to me again. Who am I kidding, I’m scared we’ll never speak again.
I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. This hasn’t ever happened to me with anybody else ever.
Don’t you see how much I fucking love you?
You told me you had become completely numb, but if you’re numb why did you cry? Don’t numb me out. I know you’re scared, but please… don’t numb me out.
Are you scared of forgetting my eyes? The way I looked at you as if you put every star in the sky? If we’re being honest, most of the time I was half convinced you did.
Your arms feel more at home than my own walls, but I shouldn’t have made a home out of your skin.
I leave the volume turned up at night in case you call, and although I don’t think you will, I wish so badly you would.
No medication or therapist could make my mind quiet enough to focus on continuing life, and in my eyes, you could put them all out of business. You did what nobody else ever could.
You were one of my favourite parts of me.
My voice was shaking too much to explain, but I am pouring so much of myself into you, in hope to fill the gaps that leave you feeling empty. I sincerely, so badly wish you were doing okay.
I thought I was going to be the one who changed your views of love.
If you forget every beautiful and wonderful thing we’ve ever done in our time, please don’t forget how hard I tried.
Please don’t forget I’m still trying."